How do I stop making the same mistake over and over again?

"I give myself such good advice, but very seldom follow it."

Lewis Carroll

Alice in Wonderland, 1865

These words by young Alice have always amused me. The first time I read the book I thought that was silly. If you know what the best thing to do is, you can just do it. Over the years, I have learned over and over again that it truly is not that easy.

People will say things like:

“I know I should say ‘no’ sometimes, but I just can’t do it.” 

“I know I should get out and socialize, but whenever friends invite me to go somewhere, I decide that I’d rather stay home.”

“I know smoking is bad for me and that I need to stop; I just know I won’t.”

“I know I should exercise more regularly, but every day I get home from work, I just sit on the couch and turn on the TV.”

“Whenever I go to the store, I buy more candy, even though I know I’m trying to cut down.”

“I know I should go to bed earlier because I’m always so tired in the morning, but when it’s time for bed I just keep doing ‘one more thing’ and ‘one more thing’ until all of a sudden it’s 1:00am.”

You probably identify with one or more of these. And I’m sure there are many many other examples. 

There are many self-help books and articles out there that offer good suggestions. Some books that teach you to put yourself first by giving you strategies on how to say ‘no’ and how to set boundaries. You might read somewhere about how to set an exercise routine and stick with it. Or you might learn about sleep hygiene and all the things you can do to get yourself to bed earlier. 

With all these resources out there, when you still fail to make a change, you might feel like you’re somehow less capable than all those around you who use the skills. It might even make you feel hopeless, like you’ll never change.

So, is there any hope for you? Will you ever listen to the good advice that you give yourself? Before answering those questions, there is a much more important question you need to ask yourself.

In what way is this behavior good for me? 

This might not make sense to you right away. How can this harmful behavior be good for you? You already know, for example, that you hate doing all these things you say ‘yes’ to just because you can’t say ‘no.’ You know that your health is suffering because of smoking or eating too much candy. What’s good about that? You’re constantly tired and cranky because you’re not getting enough sleep. What’s good about that?

Other people will say the same thing to you -- you’re only hurting yourself. Why don’t you just stop?

The thing is that there’s a fight going on inside of you. If you stop and look inside, you’ll notice that there are two parts of you pulling you in opposite directions. Though these parts are fighting with each-other, the truth is that they are both working towards the same goal. Essentially, what they want is what we all want -- for you to feel good and not feel bad. They just have different ideas about how to make that happen.

So, taking the example of going out to socialize or not, there might be two different opinions inside of you.

• One part of you thinks that you will feel better if you go out. That part thinks that you need to feel connected to others so that you won’t feel so lonely. If you don’t feel lonely, then you’ll be happier. Makes sense.

• At the same time, an opposing part thinks that you’ll feel better if you stay home. At home, you’ll be safe from any judgment or rejection that you might suffer in social situations. That part has noticed times when you’ve gone out and still felt lonely because it felt like people didn’t really care how you were feeling. So, of course the viewpoint that it’s better to stay home also makes sense.

Once you realize that both sides are working towards the same goal, then maybe you can help them work together instead of in opposition. You can get those two parts of you to talk to each-other.

Listening to the part that’s pushing you to go out, ask for examples of times when you went out and had a good time. What happened during those times? Were you around a friend who makes you feel comfortable? Were you in a big or small group?  What activity were you doing? 

Then, turning to the part that’s insisting that you stay home, ask for examples when you went out and had a bad time. What did those situations have in common? What kinds of things happened?

By gently exploring, you can help both sides of you understand the other viewpoint and maybe what the real issue is. Maybe you’ve learned that you should always be positive, so you hide your true feelings when you’re around other people. Maybe you feel inferior to certain people and start to have negative thoughts about yourself when you see them. Maybe you like to joke all the time, and if people don’t laugh, you feel like an idiot. 

If you keep going, you’ll probably notice that there are some big feelings underneath all that. And the next step would be to understand and acknowledge those feelings so that you can truly let them go.

This last part would be difficult to do on your own. It would be best to look for a therapist who can help guide you so that the feelings don’t become overwhelming. It’s especially important to see a therapist if you have experienced some psychological trauma in your life. 

However, if you’re not ready to go to therapy, what you can do is to look for what will really give you relief from any strong feelings that are underneath, driving your behaviors. If you feel disconnected from people, look at what might make you feel safe and willing to trust so that you can be more ‘real.’ If you feel inferior, look at what might boost your self-esteem. If you need people to laugh at your jokes, think about what you’re really looking for. Most likely you’re looking for approval and love. Think about how you can get that in a more satisfying way.

Once you’ve started to look at what’s underneath so that you can address it, the parts of you that are fighting will probably relax. You’ll get better at making the choice that feels right for you. And hopefully you’ll learn to be kind to yourself. 

It all starts with self-compassion and a willingness to look at yourself without judgment.

In the words of Ted Lasso, “Be curious, not judgmental.”